Written by Stephen Cross
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Tuesday, 27 October 2009

With The X-Factor reaching it's climax, concern mounts over what critics call 'an absolute bloody farce', after Cowell named his choice for a special guest judge to join the team for the final show.

Speaking from his home in Bracknell, Cowell, yelling from an upstairs window, confirmed 'Look, I've never been one to play it safe, and this year's show is no different. Jerry will stay.'

'Jerry', as Cowell refers to him him, is a Pygmy Marmoset who recently arrived in the country after Cowell mistakenly bought him off eBay.

'I was furious at first', remarked Cowell. 'I mean, the listing made no mention of any primates. For all intents and purposes, I thought I'd bought a builder's helmet with two receptacles for canned drinks attached. Imagine my surprise when I opened the box and Jerry sprung out! After some research on animal websites, it turned out I'd actually got quite a bargain.'

Speaking exclusively to The Spoof, fellow judge Dannii Minogue expressed deep concern over the credibility of the show by blinking twice.

Cowell has previously faced criticism after his repeated attempts to place unusual judges in his competitions. In 2005, plans were axed at the last minute to place a trumpet featuring a sellotape moustache as a judge on ITV's Britain's Got Talent. When asked about this suggestion, Cowell became belligerent, yelling 'Renato! Renato! Renato!' into the face of our reporter for 18 minutes. Presumably this was the name he'd given to the trumpet.

Before bustling us out the door so he could engage in 'nude gymnastics' with the primate, Cowell clarified his position.

'The critics will say what they want, but at the end of the day I'm giving Jerry a chance to prove them all wrong. Let's be fair to him, he's certainly more literate than Cheryl, and easier on the eyes than Louis.'

He then winked at the primate, who promptly leapt from his seat, landing gracefully on top of Cowell's head. The X-Factor judge then dashed out of the room making a noise not dissimilar to a fire engine, while the Marmoset screeched loudly. The pair ran around the house for what neighbours described as 'too long. Far too long'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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