Britain's chavs are reproducing at such an alarming rate in that to prevent a UK population crisis they must eventually be granted their own territory. The dire warning, from researchers based primarily in Essex and South Yorkshire, revealed their findings to a press conference yesterday.
"The basic problem is that chavs are beginning to outnumber normal people", explained Professor Smith, who recently returned from extensive fieldwork in the towns of Chelmsford and Rotherham. "Eventually there will come a time when chavs bring about an ecological tipping point and begin to dominate society. I'm afraid we must prepare for the worst."
The central recommendation of the team was the establishment of a separate country for chavs, possibly somewhere around the UK, "but preferably nearer Moscow or the moon", the report suggests.
When pushed to explain what benefits the new country would offer its inhabitants, Professor Smith replied: "Freedom. Soon they will demand basic liberties such as official recognition of their language and customs. In their new land, they could be free from persecution and able to move towards self-determination and emancipation." When queried as to how such a project would be funded, he replied, "Oh I don't fu**ing care. Put them on a giant boat, I'll pay."
The findings provoked controversy across Britain, particularly within chav communities. Chantelle Johnson, from Swansea, launched a boycott of her local Spar newsagents which supplied newspapers reporting the story. Extreme cravings however meant that it was abandoned after 40 minutes, when her mum agreed to buy her a King Size Twix and 20 Lambert and Butler.