New Labour, as part of it's preperation for what is thought to be an inevitable attack by Islamic militants, have acquired the bunker used by Adolf Hitler in World War II. The bunker, still in mint condition has been sited in an "appropriate place".
David Blunkett as Home Secretary, had been put in charge of choosing it's location, which has led to confirmation that it has been appropriately placed. As soon as the government finds out where he put it, it will be upgraded to conveniently placed.
Bedlam broke out at a cabinet meeting when Health Secretary John Reid confirmed that there will be no smoking in the bunker. Over the shouts of cabinet ministers, he pointed out that if the bunker doesn't work the government must be in a position to return it for a refund.
He then went on to read out some of the salient points in the sale agreement :
"Thank you for choosing the Fuhrer 2004 Compact Bunker. It comes complete with concrete roof and cement floor. The Fuhrer 2004 is top of the range and has only been used once, in a not to be mentioned skirmish, with outstanding results. As I'm sure you'll be happy to learn it doesn't have a sunroof (our little joke)".
"You have seven days within which to inspect the bunker and satisfy yourselves as to it's condition. Any complaints which are received after 7 days will not be considered. Please note that we are aware of the grafitti which reads : "Frankfurt 3 Bayern Munich 0". It cannot be removed despite best efforts and we apologise to any members of your cabinet who may be Munich supporters".
"Please note that if for any reason the Fuhrer 2004 does not prevent a particular gas from seeping through and wiping out the entire British government, this shall not as a matter of course entitle you to a refund. Please study the breach clause carefully and ensure that this failure is covered. Remember the buyer must give the seller at least 7 days to remedy the breach".
"Always remember 'cave scriptor' or to translate 'stop writing on the cave', which we told Osama when he bought the Fuhrer 2003 (Roehm's bunker). It was a bit of an abortion I'm embaressed to say but as we told Osama, Roehm wasn't built in a day".
"Love and kisses, our regards to everyone. Aren't we glad we stayed out of it."
Prime Minister Blair confirmed that the bunker, when they find it, may be one of his government's best buys. "The chancellor may have bitched about the cost but when the bombs are flying, please God we've found it, we'll be as snug as a bug in a rug. It'll kill me if we have to send it back."