The European Parliament has decided that the British tradition of execution should be reinstated for Christmas. The Queen will get the pleasure of drawing up a list of all the people who have insulted her over the years, then a panel of judges will decide if these people really deserve to die.
Simon Cowell is thought to be in the running as a judge, and Kate Moss has been asked to give her opinion on critics who have criticised the Queen's sense of style. Those who Kate says genuinely had good reason to criticise the Queen's hats and dresses shall live but if Kate says they were just being bitchy, then they shall all be sent to the Guillotine.
The Queen is said to be very enthusiastic about her new job because she feels really ashamed of Britain's Christmas TV Schedule. She also really likes the X-factor and likes the idea of giving someone a life-changing experience - forever.
By Katarina Frogpond