Written by Simon Cockle
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Saturday, 24 October 2009

image for Nick Griffin named new Liverpool manager
Liverpool fans throw Everton match programmes onto a bonfire

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, has been named as the new manager of Liverpool FC after the shock departure of Rafa Benitez yesterday.

At a hushed press conference, the Liverpool board explained that, though he doesn't yet possess the correct FA coaching badges, Griffin's higher popularity rating and ability to stir up feeling and excitement would boost Liverpool's flagging season.

'I am honoured to be offered the job,' he said. 'I'm sure Churchill, if he were alive today, would accept the job. And would probably win more silverware than Benitez.'

Afterwards, he explained that there would be some changes to the Liverpool team. Non-white, non-Anglo-Saxon or non-Celtic players would be repatriated to their countries of origin, leaving the squad consisting of roughly 7 players. All 7 would be equipped with guns, as it is their right, and this would create a more attacking team.

The national anthem would be played at home games to the entirely white working-class supporters, all of whom would be equipped with bananas to throw at non-White opposition players. At half-time, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding would be served, and the KKK would set fire to a cross in the centre circle.

Griffin also suggested that the team would withdraw from European competition to keep the racial purity of his team. They would also be encouraged to breed with white females to ensure a strong line of future footballers.

Finally, plans were drawn up to make non-White opposing players wear yellow stars at home matches. They would be banned from the Liverpool half and confined to their own penalty areas after darkness.

The Liverpool training ground is being converted into a 'work camp' and, should Liverpool's season continue to fail, non-White, Jewish, gay and Romany opposition players will be sent to this camp in what Griffin refers to as the 'Cup Final Solution'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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