London - Already the third largest employer in the entire world, the National Health Service plans on stretching the limits of taxpayers further by implementing a new midwifery program for constipated patients staffed with maternity room nurses.
The program became necessary following a spate of large bowel movements topping the eight pound limit in Lancashire by hack writers for TheSpoof.com who blamed long periods of sitting at a computer eating meat pies along with writers block for the affliction.
The new program has had immediate success with long term sufferers coached by the nurses using safe, healthy and natural Lamaze techniques and words of encouragement such as:
"Take a deep breath dearie",
"Would you like an epidural?"
"It's crowning lovely",
"Congratulations, it looks just like you!"
"Would you like to hold it?"