Parliament could face legal action over Labour leader Gordon Brown's appearance at Prime Minister's Question Time.
The weekly pantomime show always features Labour Ministers who are admitted fraudsters and liars, plus plenty of Tory MPs of the same ilk, but Minister for Caped Crusaders Peter Pain has written to everyone and their dog and the BBC, who televise it, arguing that Brown 'was illegally appointed as Prime Minister with no election'.
Pain is a South African, who promptly left South Africa as soon as he could to emigrate to Britain, so as to continue the fight against apartheid from a safe distance in a foreign country. He then became an MP for the Liberal Party, and promptly left them as soon as he could to join the Labour Party, and became a sort of roving Minister of Everything Nobody is Interested In.
Downing Street said that Mr. Brown did not oppose himself appearing at Question Time, adding that it was important for his appointment not to be mentioned by anyone. But Mr. Pain wrote: 'Ironic that as a foreigner I'm here trying to tell the British what they should and shouldn't be doing, isn't it? Some might say that if I'm so passionately against injustice and fascism I should have stayed in my own country and fought apartheid there, but where would all the fun and free limousines be in that?'
'Others might say that if I don't like the way the British run things - such as a thousand years of democracy and free speech for all, even right-wing nutcases - then why don't I piss off back to where I came from? Maybe a country that allows clowns like Oswald Moseley publicity is a smarter and more decent one than my own one, which had an official system of racial abuse and segregation and discrimination for nearly 50 years. Still, I know best, of course.'
And the Prime Minister himself had to point out to Mr. Pain that 'Britain is a constitutional democracy, so Prime Ministers are not elected by voters, that's how it works. And so I was quite legally appointed as PM. Similarily, there are always fringe parties here that attract a lot of publicity for themselves, whether far left or far right or just plain loony.'
'If they achieve a certain number of MPs or MEPs then they can appear on live political discussion shows, and the public can see what they are really like. Trying to prevent that is worse than censorship, and will not be tolerated in the United Kingdom. Now bugger off, ya liberal do-gooder, and away and find some other pinko cause that is completely at odds with what the British people want!'
Mr. Pain was seen sulking in a cafe near the BBC studios in Shepherd's Bush, muttering to himself 'I tried to tell the British how wrong they all were about South Africa ... I tried to tell the Northern Irish how wrong they all were ... I tried to tell the BBC how wrong they all are ... blast!, I need another crusade now. What about ... a crusade against fools who know nothing about the British people and their traditions, but come to Britain and try and make a living out of telling them what they should and shouldn't be doing? Nah, they wouldn't fall for that one. Unless ... hello? Is that you, Cherie?'
Mr. Pain will be part-time Isle of Man Secretary soon, but will still manage to keep on crusading from Douglas, if only by carrier pigeon, and how the British will thank him for his tireless deeds and self-sacrifice. Peter Pain - the Cabinet Minister who's unwanted everywhere, and never grows up.