Written by Dungeekin
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Monday, 19 October 2009

The Government has announced today that it is to hold a Public Inquiry to answer the 'urgent concerns' over Prime Minister Gollum Brown's taste in biscuits.

The shock move was announced today by Home Secretary Alan Johnson, who said, "this is clearly a matter of grave concern to the British people, and it is right that this Labour Government answer the question in the fullest of methods".

The Enquiry is to be chaired by Lord Butler, who previously chaired the Iraq inquiry, and according to the Home Secretary will have full and unfettered access to the information it needs.

It will be able to call and question key witnesses, believed to include Sarah Brown and the tea-lady at Downing Street, and former UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix has been drafted in to search the Cabinet Office for Wafers of Mass Destruction.

The inquiry will aim to provide a definitive answer to the following questions:

  • What biscuit is the Prime Minister's baked product of choice;
  • Does the current economic situation have a bearing upon the PM's choice of biscuit;
  • Has the UK Government secretly been benefiting from the supply of Oreo Cookies from the CIA, despite denials from MI5;
  • Has the Prime Minister at any time consumed a Garibaldi biscuit, believed to be the preferred option of Osama Bin Laden and subject to US sanctions as part of the 'Axis of Cookie-Evil';

The Home Secretary added that it was 'still to be decided' whether the evidence of senior catering staff at Downing Street and other key Westminster buildings would be made public, citing national security concerns. However, this has already been challenged by Shami Chakrabarti of Liberty, who said, "the concealment of the Government's complicity in baked goods cannot go unchallenged. All information must go into the public domain, so that the British people can make their own decisions about whether the Government has colluded in the use of Jaffa Cakes".

The inquiry is expected to last four years and will cost around £100m to complete. Mr Johnson said that this was 'justifiable, as once the inquiry is completed the British people will know, without question, which biscuit the Prime Minister likes".

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