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Friday, 6 August 2004

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Gibberish 101 as taught at Old Trafford

Old Trafford have confirmed that Dr Henry Kissinger has joined the board and will now take over as media liason. The board felt that far too much negative publicity has dogged the club in recent years. Former US Secretary of State, Kissinger is believed to be an ideal spokesman as this press conference showed.

"Mr Kissinger, Martin Tyler is there still a rift between Sir Alex and the board?" A nice easy starter for ten : "Ah...uh...ah...humpha da kaka der.....um ah Sir Alex....is...um...of...a view...um...dat ah ...um.....er...dat horse.....prognosticate...um ah.....horse racing...um...ah..er..is...um....best uh ....best...left ....out of...um...the club's...affairs".

What about the sale of David Beckham? Is Ferguson still of the view that letting the club's captain and best player go was a smart move? "Delaka dekaka debenda debaka......um .....er.....ah....der Contras did ah...um....receive arms for hostages ....um ...but er...der....Iranians wos der because...um...what was der question again?

What about Roy Keane's position with the club? "Der Keane is..um...key....ah...pivotal...to..der....success of um.....ah....our .....er....club...as long as der enquiry covers der entire failure of .....er...government agencies.......during...ah...9/11...which is um......our...ah away ......fixture at ....um....Charlton apparently".

Sir, I know I speak for many United fans and this media gathering when I say that you are obfuscating and ducking issues. "Ah..um....I believe that the um....er...afikomen ..........is uh ........vital to the continued wellbeing of.....um...er..der club.....and that ...uh..it..is....important for...um..er...ah...us, us to er....uh ......ah...act accordingly.

Dr Kissinger does this club believe that it can now take it's rightful place at the top of the league or will that Russian buy the Premiership? "Der...threat of um .....ah der Russians can never...uh ....be overestimated.....der lying son's of bitches .....have forced our hands in Grenada...and uh....you have our assurances.....that.uh....never again, never again!!"

Does the club have a view on the scandal surrounding Sven Goran Eriksson? "The uh club does have uh.....ah....view...with regard to Sven....and ...ah ...it...is..very...broad minded...and...uh...far thinking....with ah....um somersalt and uh...ah...pike".

Dr Kissinger have you been charged with breaking all the club's news stories and answering questions? "Ah...despite some ...uh...unseemly accusations regarding a wide ...uh ...ah....range of...ah...issues...I have never been formally charged".

Can you tell us why they chose you? "Der club was um...er...ah...concerned about der...uh ...ah ....communications gap with der...um..ah..press and moved um quickly ...to...resolve...der..uh..issue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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