Benenden Hospital in Kent was the scene of a mass suicide, the likes of which has not been seen since Jonestown, Guyana. Row upon row of bodies lined the garden of the hospital grounds and even out onto the streets. Even hardened journalist stiffened visably as we approached the carnage.
A surviver sitting on the steps to the entrance told us : "Oi were sitting on me bed moinding me own business, when from nowhere this superbug with a guitar started singing 'We're all going on a Summer Holiday"
"It were horrible!! Oi seed sick people trying to cut they wrists with their plastic cutlery. The nurses troid to stop it but it said it was here to cheer people up. Then it started singing "Bachelor boy" and the first suicoides out of the windee started, awful it were!!"
"Then 'e started summit like 'christmas toime miss her toe an' whoine - Fook me gently George they was doing a roaring trade in cyanide in the caffeteria!! Even oncology started euthenasia when he was on about a 'livin' doll."
We tried desperately to calm Fred, the name our survivor had given us, but he just carried on. "Oi ran down to the reception and confirmed that even though we were NHS patients we'd pay as soon as the superbug was taken away".
"Oi think it was just after it started singing 'Devil Woman' that the first shots rang out in the Maternity Ward. Unperturbed the bug carried on with 'Congratulations', Oi mean shit in yer hat an' punch it, whoi didn't they just blow the fookin' place up an' finished?"
"It all became a bit eerie when 'e started on about 'The Young Ones' what with the massacre an' all. The place was wall to wall dead bodies when this thing decided to call it a day but before leavin' it tol' us that all we have ter do is call".
Superintendent John Malcolm has promised a full investigation into the incident. He said that inadequate cleaning could not have occasioned this slaughter. This was something far more sinister and initial reports seem to indicate something called the Barbados Bug.