Written by Dungeekin
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Friday, 16 October 2009

Soon-to-be-ex Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir has outraged normal human beings by calling for a repeal of the 1967 Sexual Offences Act and the reintroduction of jail sentences for 'being a bender'.

In a warmly-received (by Daily Mail readers) in today's Daily Mail, Ms Moir commented on the tragic death of Boyzone singer Stephen Gately, saying, "well, it's quite clear that he was bummed to death, isn't it? After all, before being a chutney-ferret was legal nobody ever died of pulmonary oedema, did they? And only gayers die young and suddenly".

Ms Moir added, "if he hadn't been a right raving whoopsie then he'd have died of old age. If we reintroduced jail sentences for these disgusting specimens who indulge in their sordid little civil partnerships then the world would be a much better place, and house prices would rise again and we could get rid of all the illegal immigrants".

The article leads a campaign by the Daily Mail to 'rid the world of queers', and Ms Moir defended her position by adding that homosexuals do not contribute to society. "All these young men and their bum-chums!, she added. "This is Britain, not the bloody Colonies! Reintroduce prison, that's what I say. After all, what benefit have these namby-pamby woofters ever brought to this nation? Alan Turing, Stephen Fry, Nigel Hawthorne, Elton John, Joe Orton, Housman, Frankie Howerd . . . not one jot of decent contribution. Burn the lot of them, that's what I say."

Her comments were supported by the Editor of the Daily Mail, Mr J Peasemold Gruntfuttock, though those citizens of the UK living in 2009 rather than 1946 have reacted with anger to her bigoted, dated and offensive drivel.

In a separate but related development, sources close to Julie Burchill have strongly denied that Ms Burchill had a Sapphic fling with Ms Moir in 1983. Ms Burchill's spokesperson said, "Julie would like it do be known that she wouldn't have touched Moir's wrinkled, dried-out clitoral area with a dettol-coated broomstick, much less any of her own erogenous zones".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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