Balmoral Castle, Scotland - (Associated Mess) Pandemonium is reported to have erupted among the communities living along the shores of Lock Ness today amid reports that a band of wise old Scottish radical feminists - so cruelly lambasted by the Pope last week for their intransigency in submitting to male superstitious dogma - have finally cracked the Bible Code in relation to the Great Whore of Babylon predictions section.
The AM News Agency has learned that these canny seeresses claim that tomorrow, August 4th 2004 - which would have been the 104th birthday of the late Queen Mother - will see the death of Queen Elizabeth II and the arrest of the Duke of Edinburgh and all his children on charges of High Treason. Likewise the front benches of the UK Labour Party, most of the Conservatives including Margaret Thatcher and all of Robert Maxwell's family.
Citing the spooky way the blue algae makes distinctive, eerie patterns on the shores of Loch Ness, the queer old hags have compared their visionary skills to those of ancient Roman oracles who could divine and prophesy just by looking at chicken entrails oozing their emissions onto the banks of the Tiber: "It's all in the slime of the algae, just like in the Diana Memorial Fountain in Hyde Park", said one who declined to be identified save for a large tattoo on her left breast with the sigil 'Camilla'.
"The Ancient Code of Prophesy, as hidden in the Kings chapter of the Bible, has been deciphered and points to the 104th birthdate of Elizabeth Bowes Lyon as being the pivotal point of 21st Century world history. We are particularly confident that this means that Elizabeth II will die in the early hours of the morning just as the Haunted Piper of Balmoral begins his dawn lament, ostensibly from a heart attack aggravated by over-dependence on prescription-strength haemorrhoid preparations.
"The Bible Code Prophesy will thus come full circle as the Rightful Monarch re-ascends the throne and the ancient mystery of the Weapons of Mass Deception is finally cracked.
Asked to comment on allegations that US Secretary of State Colon Bowel had prolonged the Queen Elizabeth II's reign by an unnecessary extra 41 years
merely to spare the blushes of republican matriarch Barbara Bush, the spooky ones merely shrugged their shoulders and pointed at old Daily Mirror exclusives on Princess Diana's colonic irrigation therapies during her 1980s salad days. "There might be something in it", was all they were inclined to say.