The Duke of Edinburgh has attacked the complexity of television sets and remote controls, giving a rare glimpse of life in the Royal household.
'it used to be easier', he said, 'all I had to do was press a bell beside my favourite old armchair, and a servant would quickly arrive and change channels for me if I wanted to watch my team AEK Athens playing. Nowadays it's all so bloody complicated!'
'I have to tell the servant which channel I want on, as there's so many of the blasted things, and then there's all the nuisance of him getting the brightness and volume just right. Seems to take forever! Was far simpler with three channels and black and white, Liz even managed to train one of the corgis to turn the TV off and on. Get out, Charles, I'm busy in here!'
Prince Philip is patron of the Chartered Society of Spongers and Loafers, and is impressed by some of its members, many of whom have never worked or done anything at all except laze about eating, drinking, watching TV, and going peasant shooting. 'Well, at least we keep the servants busy', he said, 'we can't all be spongers and loafers, now can we? Charles, if you come in one more time I'll blow your big fat head off with a blunderbuss!'
Of course, few of the British population nowadays have servants, and so have had to learn how to use devices like remotes themselves. But if you have servants to change the TV over, serve your food, run your bath in the morning, and do just about everything for you except father your children, you can hardly be credible appearing on television complaining about devices you never use or even know how to work.
'Oh, bugger off!', he snapped, 'I have to have something to talk about to get myself in the news again. At least I'm not as bad as Charles, the big ninny's always talking nonsense about plants and buildings and everything except the bloomin' management situation at Ipswich Town FC! What a prize plonker! He's never done a day's work in his life either, but rabbits on about things he knows bugger all about.'
'At least talking about remote controls is safe enough, as long as you don't ask me how to use one - I don't even know what you do with one. Charles, you insufferable git, I warned you!' and the Duke grabbed a shotgun from beside his chair and fired it, missing the Prince but killing a passing servant. 'Oh well, another one gone, down to our last 392 of 'em, I suppose.'