Renowned Portsmouth prostitute Pompey Lil made her 1000th court appearance in the city today, accused of soliciting an American tourist.
It was alleged that Pompey Lil offered the tourist a spot of 'How's your father' up a back alley for a 'score.'
Smelling strongly of alcohol, and a tad unsteady on her feet, Pompey Lil denied mentioning anything about any 'how's your father' but admitted that she did offer a "service" to the visitor, adding that one of her neighbours was a qualified mechanic, who regularly "serviced" her.
Magistrates dismissed the case due a lack of evidence, and a failure to appear in court by the Crown's star witness, the American tourist.
A jubilant Pompey Lil tottered out of the court building in her impossibly high heeled shoes, and promptly offered this reporter a hand job for a tenner.
When asked to explain herself more fully she said:
"You know what a hand job is mush. It's a manicure innit!" before tottering off up the street drinking from a hip flask.
We traced the American tourist, who is a retired pirate and asked him if there was any truth in the Crown's allegations against Pompey Lil. Morse told us:
"I never had sexual relations with that woman."