Tory Party Lord Snooty, who has failed miserably as a successor to the party of Disraeli, Churchill and Thatcher, today committed political suicide by making probably the most nauseating speech in British history. And here is what he said:
'Look, chaps, what what. You know, we're all Etonian toffs with no life experience, though we know what servants are. But, oh I say, how dare those dreadful Labour chappies dare to be the government. I mean! What?'
'The party of Thatcher systematically turned the United Kingdom into a worldwide embarrassment, a gutless, grovelling dump, being lead into embarrassing Vietnam-like wars to grovel to the United States of America - the feeblest but richest country in the world. And, um, I'm getting the sack soon. Why on earth the British would ever vote for an inbred git like me defies belief, I am a complete and utter clown.'
'But look! I've done the impossible, and made the lizard Brown re-electable, something the bookies made a thousand to one against only last week. I'm the dullest and most boring Oxbridge twit that has now nailed the final nail into the Tory Party coffin, I make Ian Duncan-Smith look like Benito Mussolini.'
'And so, chaps, when you go to your blasted smelly working-class polling booths soon, do not vote for the bogey man. Oh no, please do not vote for anyone with a slight regional accent. Vote for the Liberal Party - I mean Conservative Party. The Liberals are just a bunch of inbred, middle-class, workshy oiks. Unlike me.'
'OK, bodyguards, get in your Limousines, time to ponce around on a bicycle to 'save the planet'. If you vote for us you're as proletarian as you look, you dashed rotten plebs. Policies? What does that mean?'
R.I.P. the Conservative Party.