Written by Football mole
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Topics: suicide

Thursday, 8 October 2009

image for Confusion over new assisted suicide legislation
A really tall building yesterday

New government guidelines concerning 'assisted suicide' have been the cause of some confusion among the happy.

However, those who require no help at all will be comforted to learn that it is still regarded as acceptable to take a handful of tranquilisers and drink a bottle of cheap Albanian whisky in order to die peacefully during sleep.

But emergency services staff are concerned that those more selfish suicides are being treated with too much compassion, fuelling their 'Pay As You Pop Your Clogs' (PAYPYC) campaign.

PAYPYC organisers want the families of those who throw themselves off tall buildings to be charged for all associated costs of scraping their loved ones off the pavement.

Worst-case offenders include those selfish ones who jump off railway platforms.

Aside from the trauma suffered by witnesses and the lengthy process of finding body parts, there is also the unquantifiable cost of cancelled trains, late employees and petrol used when picking up stranded commuters after unscheduled mobile phone distress calls.

Stock broker belt commuter, Winston Bastard, 33 said: "One selfish tosser chucked himself into the path of the 07:13 from Croydon last week.

"All the best doughnuts had gone by the time I got to work. Wanker!"

However, a two-month amnesty on city bankers wishing to leap to a painful death from the sky scrapers of Canary Wharf is likely to enjoy limited success.

Tea lady, Mavis Eccles-Battenberg, 87 said: "In the old days, pinstripe-suited losers had the common decency to plummet to their deaths from at least 23 floors up, but these days they just buy more houses and have a bit of a laugh.

"There's no respect anymore!" she added before inevitably losing her job as a result of talking to us.

In a token gesture by the government, genuine suicide attempts that fail will be subjected to mass ridicule by being posted on a new government website.

People believing their lives to be worthless will be able to cheer themselves up by logging on to www.youselfishbastard.co.gov for daily updates.

A government spokesman who wished to remain anonymous said: "When my self-esteem takes a dive, I just tune in to The Jeremy Kyle Show.

"When you see the procession of feckless scum appearing there, you really will think that life's not all that bad," said the Lib Dem MP for Rockall South.

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