Written by Football mole
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Wednesday, 7 October 2009

The BBC's decision not to broadcast this weekend's World Cup Qualifier between Ukraine and England has been met with dismay by football fans.

Setanta were due to screen the match but broadcasting rights were put up for re-tender when the firm went into administration.

However, failure from the national broadcaster to bid for the screening of our national team because 'we have already qualified' means that, for the first time, a match involving England will only be available to view via the internet for £4.99.

Middlesbrough fan Barry Smog, 12 said: "It just isn't on. The BBC has a duty to show the national team in every game they play.

"Jackets for goalposts, Ryan Giggs, marvellous, isn't it!" he added in a weird, not-quite-Geordie-not-quite-Yorkshire accent.

Critics (everyone) have suggested that this has set a dangerous precedent.

Worryingly, rumours are circulating that the broadcaster will now be cancelling a variety of scheduled programming if the outcome is foregone, predictable or arranged.

To save time, the University Challenge title has been awarded mid-series to either Oxford or Cambridge probably.

Plans to screen the Orson Welles classic 'Citizen Kane' have been dropped after a trailer for the film carried a subtitle which read: "Rosebud is a sledge".

Other programmes to be cancelled due to a possible quantifiable outcome are; all future Bond films and the weather.

The BBC's longest running programme - The Sky at Night - will be axed completely because, after 52 years, we're still just going round the Sun as usual.

Last night, BBC officials were tight-lipped about whether they would be screening the actual World Cup Finals in 2010, but an insider said: "It just won't happen. England will be beaten in a quarter final on penalties as usual so what's the point?

"It's only the f*ck*ng national team" he added.

Unfortunately, despite profound predictability, the BBC will continue to produce EastEnders for the foreseeable future.

A spokesman said: "If you follow the logic of the football issue, the plot lines and characters in EastEnders have already been established so we don't see any point in screening the predictable tedium of the actual show.

"But a dreary, politically-correct, impossibly ethnically-balanced cast will remain screaming at each other as usual for as long as we can milk it and people still tune in."

Scheduling for Saturday evening has now been finalised to include 90 minutes of self promotion about upcoming shows which may or may not be screened depending on how they end.

Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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