A top secret Government memo detailing the locations of London's secret nuclear weapons arsenal has been found on a school bus in Southwark.
The weapons are apparently live and ready to launch within two minutes from just one phone call from the Prime Minister.
Secretary of state for Defence John Hutton has responded to claims, saying, "Of course there's no nuclear warheads hidden in these places. Do you think we're fucking stupid? You can visit them all if you like to check, there's nothing there to hide."
Conspiracy theorist Dave Chump said, "Of course they would say that. I'm certain that if we visited them, we would find no nuclear weapons because they would cover it up; what's the point? We know they're there and they know they're there, that's proof enough."
Chump backs up his claims with Google Earth images of the twin Croydon IKEA towers which apparently show the tips of the weapons. "You can also see gun emplacements, a rader tower and helicopter landing pads and also a nearby roof which clearly has a coded binary message visible.
Locations of the sites include:
- The twin chimneys next to IKEA in Croydon
- The chimney stacks in Battersea Power station
- The BT tower
- Each tower of Tower Bridge
- The actual Tower of London
Chump has a photograph of a frightened IKEA salesman named Bob whom he believes to be a government agent guarding the towers.
"Look at his face," he said to me, pointing at the picture. "He must be hiding something!"
Chump denies Bob's counter claim that he jumped out, screamed incoherently and partially blinded Bob with camera flashes. And the fact that the document was found in a school rucksack labelled 'Property of Alex Moran aged 7'?
"It's all part of the conspiracy," he claims.