The worst kept secret in the world was finally unveiled this week at the New Labour Party Conference in Brighton.
New Labour is f*ck*d!
However, bold new plans to get the national economy rolling again were revealed which a party spokesman said can be implemented without the need for spending cuts, boosting their hopes for an election victory next year.
In a radical move, new levies will be placed on those things which don't yet carry a specific value.
Life - being precious - will now have a 'birth tax' levied on it in which new born babies will have to fork out £399.99 with interest charged at 22.5 per cent per annum until 'the kid stumps up'.
The smile on a small child's face, previously thought to be priceless, will be charged at £25 per grin which will be policed by new Nazi-style enforcement squads who will patrol the country's nursery schools handing out on-the-spot fines.
However, talk will remain cheap at seven pence per word for ordinary conversations, rising exponentially for debate, heated arguments and swear words such as 'bell-end' 'ringpiece' and 'bollocks'.
Shouting will be charged at a premium, estimated to be in the region of £1.09 per word.
Prices of conversations held on landlines will remain as they are but mobile phone network charges will be considerably more.
Speaking from her 18-bedroom mansion in the picturesque village of Hooter-in-the-trough, Labour Peer Lady Rotunda Arrogant-Gytt said: "These measures will come into force as of midnight tonight.
"Admittedly, they are on the radical side but these are difficult times.
"Our brave boys and girls are in Afghanistan right now fighting on a shoestring.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a plush office to redecorate."
Other measures to be introduced while we're not looking include changes in retail pricing structures. Things which were previously cheap at half the price will now cost slightly more than double, representing astonishing value for money.
Bargains will be outlawed to make way for more costly objects, and sale items priced at 50 pence will be available in pairs for a quid, or more, whichever is the greater.
To remain in touch with the ordinary people of Britain, government ministers will be exempt from the new measures and won't be affected as they travel to and from their several homes in chauffeur driven limos at the tax payer's expense.
Peter Mandelson was too slimy to comment yesterday.