Written by Frank Miller
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Topics: Internet, Broadband

Thursday, 1 October 2009

image for UK Broadband: back on the street if he doesn't shape up!
UK Broadband is not the man he used to be!

Recent graphic pictures of UK "The Hoover" Broadband snorting cocaine have sparked outrage from the Internet community and a recent report has shown that he'll not be able to service the UK for much longer.

Partying every night is taking its toll on UKB and after appearing on the TV show 'Dead in 10 years', he seems to have made a life changing decision.

On the show, he was aged 10 years using CGI and saw his arteries clog up so data couldn't travel; dropping speeds to below dial up. He breathed like someone being asphyxiated by a plastic bag and women who were shown his picture said they defiantly would not have sex with him unless he gave them money.

On the programme (to be broadcast tonight on Freeview channel Alan, 'The home of bitty wankers' at 22:30) he snivelled, "If I'm going to service the UK with quality high speed broadband, I need to shape up or I'll be back on the streets providing services of a different kind; 10 quid a pop for losers more desperate than me."

Networking and Comms giants Cimpsco spokesman Sal Birkumstead agrees, "He'll find it tough going back to his former life. He knows what he needs to do; lay off the sauce, drugs, bad food and cheap hookers, it's the only way UK Broadband will be fit for the future."

He has since checked in to the rehab clinic, 'The Pantry' where celebrities are treated with an intensive course of Cornish Pasties.

Birkumstead again, "Being the carrier for high speed connectivity is a tough job, but it beats sucking cock for a living and he knows it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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