London - (Oeufs en Cocotte**): Prince William and Kate Middleton were spotted this weekend outside a seedy Harley Street backstreet contortionists.
The desperate royal wannabe had her eggs harvested and deep frozen amid fears she is already well and truly past it.
William however somehow failed to oblige with his end of the deal.
Many, many attempts, half a dozen hardcore porny videos, a sexy pheromone spray and Madame Whiplash's Little Persuader (sic)... and zilch.
Later the couple drove away in a darkened window limo owned by Madonna's Kabbala teacher Rabbi Madoff Ponzi.
Chelsy Davy is 69.
**Cocotte: French chicken, prostitute, feminine diminutive of coq, cock, from Old French, see old cock, etc