Bristol/UK/ From the Personal Relationships Section/Guardian - All sorts of post and pre pubescent UK males today were alight with new hope as word spread that the Catholic Charity Truth Society were telling everyone to take 5 minutes to pray before having sex.
The Society, founded in 1868, has been recognized as the single most important influence for keeping the UK population under control, and allowing late arriving fertile EU invaders to begin eclipsing the native population.
Jonny Breathwaithe, a mid schooler with bad acne, claims he's still a virgin, but now he has hope he can find a mate. "All these few years since I 'came of age', so to speak, I haven't had any luck finding a girl to have a bit off with!"
Echoing Jonny's plight was Duncan McDougal, formerly of Wales, but who said he was forced to migrate to Bristol in hopes of finding a little love.
"I've tried everything," he said forlornly, " but up in them hills all I could find were some well used sheep. No satisfaction there!"
Meanwhile at the Oasis Bar & Grill, newly ordained Priest Father Skoob was busy taking in cover charges for over sexed, under loved Brits.
"Surely," he said serenely, "this Truth Society has been a boon to me and mine! Every late afternoon we have a combined happy hour and prayer session with a host of traveling sisters of the faith who are here to answer the prayers of the thirsty."
Walking inside the snug pub, one could notice about 10 hastily thrown together confessionals, each about large enough to enclose a comfy cot.
Leading up to the confessionals was a prayer rail and offering kettle, where the needy were lead in Prayer by Senior Prayer Leader Father Frankie the J.
"Lift up your voices to heaven," cried Father Frankie, "and let your wallet be your conscience...if you donate unto this house, yea, your prayers will be answered and if you wait just 5 minutes, we' ll have you off and on your way!"
After getting a little, most of the 'parishioners' stayed around for the all you could eat fish & chips , tarot card readings, and late night karaoke with the occasional walk in of a famous Spoof Writer who would read aloud to the crowd, and sign the 2010 Nude Spoof Leap Year Calendar, which they could later use to entice some lassie to do it with them for free while fantasizing.