Written by Dingwall Johnson
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Saturday, 19 September 2009

JADE Goody's widower Jack Tweed has sent a message to model Katie Price, aka, Jordon (when you have to explain who they are they are not really famous), to say that he is "not Scottish".

"Tweed The Weed" as he is universally known among his pal (an estate agent of all things), is in prison at the time of writing this - awaiting trial for an alleged rape.

Meanwhile, Jordan, who has promised never to talk about her own alleged rape ordeal, has been blabbing at the mouth about the identity of her alleged rapist in order to narrow down the possibilities a bit.

Jordan said: "He is a high profile Scottish celebrity."

"Well," said Tweed from his luxury prison cell, "That rules me out on two counts. I'm not Scottish and I'm not the other thing."

The news that he is not Scottish will come as a relief to Tweed who has been spending his time in prison buying designer clothes online, using one of prison's iBook laptops which were made available after one con complained that he couldn't access internet porn from his cell.

All UK prisoners are now entitled to the laptops and prisons have installed wi-fi routers after the European Court Of Human Rights intervened following a raft of complaints, mainly from MPs and paedophiles.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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