The Loch Ness Monster former star of the eighties poorly animated children's programme "Nessie" has been inundated with hate mail, journalists and general blather. After the entire UK speculate who attacked Britains Sweetheart Jordan Katona Goody Lohan, 31.
Nessie who turned his back on showbiz after a scandal with Penny Crayon and Jimbo the Jet Plane retired to the Scottish Highlands carving out a career as Holistic Therapist.
However the recent claims by Ms Posh Katieona Goody Lohan Winehouse, 65 that she was interfered with by a man, a famous man, a famous celebrity man, a very famous celebrity man, a very famous Scottish celebrity man, a very famous tall Scottish celebrity man had internet bloggers speculating that it could have been anyone from the 'most obvious' person to downright ludicrous suggestions such as Mr Hudson from the seventies costume drama 'Upstairs Downstairs", 'Cowley' from the 'Professionals' action drama series, Scotty from Star Trek, Super- Gran and Miss Jean Brodie when she was in her prime.
As press and public hunted for the mystery offender some 'hack' gooogled weakipedia and realised "Nessie" was now working as a 'Therapist' but blind ignorant panic for often false but plausibe info led several professional journalists to place a space between the e and the r of therapist. Therefore seeing what they wanted to see- Nessie, a very famous male, Sottish Celebrity - The Rapist.
Nessie who had several clients book today for Reki Healing, Aromatherapy and Indian Head Massage said "I admit to having drinks with this human at a party, but I felt she was more interested in Zippy from Rainbow or Hartley Hare from 'Pipkins'...and I never pursued the matter. I have never been alone with her and I all I want to do is treat stereotypical Higland folk who wear tartan tams, Kilts and sporrans".
A journalist for the Daily Scum stated " Nessie has been The Rapist for many years , blantantly in front off our eyes and he fooled us all....I hope the public are buying this crap... even if they don't -as long as they buy our newspapers who cares"
Jordan Lohan Goody Katona Spears, 14 yrs old was not available for comment as she had been abducted by aliens, Big Foot and the Yeti when we arrived for our pre-booked contemporaneous interview. The Exclusive on the abduction and other revelations will be seen on the Pearce Organ Show, Jeremy Kylie Minogue Show, and the Loose and Incredibly Easy Women Show.
Meanwhile local police sent twelve dozen squad cars to the home of Ms Paris Katie Winehous Goody Lohan and glady posed for press photos. They deny they are only interested in the case because of media attention and claim they normally interview suspected rape victims in top hats and tails whilst dancing in formation.
Jimmi Krankie thanked Jordan Katona Nolan 'Mum's Gone to Iceland' Hilton for the addition of the adjective "tall" . "I am no longer a suspect fandabie-doozie" said the sixty year old primordial dwarf-like fictional school-boy.