Written by Rodd Justice
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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Wooden Man to Sue Marlboro
My face, my beautiful face!

A man made of the finest oak in all Staffordshire has launched an audacious legal challenge to the tobacco companies, claiming that he was not warned of the danger cigarettes posed to people of flammable material. He claims that the loss of his face deserves a large compo pay-out.

The courts heard Ash Eucalyptus' claim for £50million. "My face was my livelihood," he claimed, referring to his career as a nose-stud model. However, the defence has said that on the open market for oak, his face is only worth about £200.

It's not just the cancer-sticks industry that is facing a compensation claim at the hands of the plucky tree-man. He also says that Ronseal "doesn't do exactly what is says on the tin." Ronseal claim that Eucalyptus must have waited less than the 30 minutes recommended, and that his rotting buttocks are not the fault of their quality product.

Astonishingly, for a civil case, Mr Eucalyptus faces the death sentence if his compensation claim is unsuccessful. Apparently, the Judge needs a new cabinet, and he's never seen such fine wood.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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