Written by Rebut
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Monday, 26 July 2004

image for Man United Sign Cannibal
When I look at David I see my own Meatand Twoveg

Sir Alex Ferguson has raided the Ugandan Premier League to sign striker Meatand Twoveg. The Idi Amin lookalike flew into Old Trafford this morning and after a quick physical put his cross on the dotted line.

Asked what it felt like to be a United player, Twoveg said that it was 'brilliant'. What did he think of his teammates? "Delicious but I don't think I could eat a whole one!"

Twoveg is of course a cannibal and that will add spice to United's training this season. Sir Alex is allowing Twoveg to set up a cauldron on burning logs and any player who gives anything less than 100 percent can expect to be served with salad and a Boschendal Blanc de Noir.

Twoveg is of course the first cannibal to play in the Premiership. As a novelty item we wondered if it would worry opposing teams. We asked Arsene Wenger : "Shit in your hat and punch it, of course not. Mind you some of of our players will be armed but that is more a sign of increasing crime than anything else".

Twoveg was born in a little village in Uganda and was raised by farmers. He has had no formal schooling preffering to spend his days herding cattle on the farm. Although he can't read, write or do arithmetic Sir Alex confirmed that he scored far and away the highest score in the annual Old Trafford IQ test.

Roy Keane who came in second said that the players greatly admired Meatand and were hoping that he could run classes after school. This would mostly consist of 'cut and paste' but "we like it".

Away from Football, Manchester police are reporting an alarming number of disappearences. Chief Constable Hugo First said that at least 6 schoolboys have been reported missing by their parents.

"Eeee last noight we came upon what looked loike human remains." said First. "It seems as though someone or something is eating our citizens."

Sir Alex Ferguson refused to be drawn on the issue. He said that he had far more important issues to deal with and "anyway Roy Keane's been cornered by our Ugandan and I'm off to a barbie".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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