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Tuesday, 15 September 2009

image for Elton's Ultimate Shopping Spree
Reg Can't Wait For The Stork

Popular entertainer Reg Dwight - better known as Sir Elton John - will continue his mission to adopt, despite his harsh treatment by the Ukrainian authorities, who branded him "too old" and "too queer" to purchase 14-month old orphan Lev.

"Elton is deeply unhappy with what has been said," confirmed a close friend at Clube Saucisson in Nice, who asked to remain anonymous but is known locally as Madame Fifi. "But he is a fighter and will not let one small setback deter him. I know for a fact he has received a BOGOF (buy one get one free) offer from Romania."

Dwight, 62, is 'married' to 47-year-old David Furnish, his long-term tennis partner and bag carrier. Their 2005 'wedding', documented over 1,109 pages of 'Alright?' magazine, was a model of refinement and good taste matched only by the nuptials of their good friends, the Beckhams, whose growing family is said to have prompted Reg's interest in adoption.

Given the problems over the age and lifestyle of the singer, currently sharing a Las Vegas residency with Dame Vera Lynn, some believe he will look closer to home.

"He told me he would like to adopt Russell Brand," said another friend. "Although Russell is known very much as a ladies' man, Elton thinks he can 'turn' him. He was also quite keen on Jack Tweed but now views him, after his various spells in prison, as a bit too shop-soiled."

Also said to have caught Reg's eye is camp comedian David Walliams, but their relationship broke down irrevocably when his 'Little Britain' co-star, Matt Lucas, was rumoured to have been cast as Sir Elton in a biopic for MTV.

"How can that little fat bald bloke pretend to be me?" Dwight is said to have screamed on hearing the news, with no apparent trace of irony.

Meanwhile, Sir Elton's poignant search for a son and heir goes on.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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