Written by Mark Mywords
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Sunday, 13 September 2009

image for Product Placement For British TV Approved
"Oooh, Gervaise! Doesn't that nice Mr Backdoor have a lovely ring!"

The government has signalled its intention to remove restrictions on product placement on British televisions shows, a move which led to chaotic scenes in the House of Commons during Prime Minister's Questions today.

Announcing the policy shift, the Culture Club Secretary, the Right Horrible Ben Backdoor MP told the House that the move was inevitable. As he stood at the Dispatch Box, sipping intermittently from a glass of Coca Cola, he said "Yes, the party opposite may mock but it's the real thing - what the world needs today."

Responding to claims from the opposition that he had failed once again to consult with the viewing public about the change, he said "We have carried out consultations, and a million housewives every day, pick up a tin of beans and say 'Beans Means Heinz'"

As he concluded his announcement, he smiled, removed a tube of Colgate toothpaste from his pocket and said "I am a man with a ring of confidence." He certainly appeared to be a man with a ring for something.

For the conservatives, Shadow Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt accused Mr Backdoor of not being able to see the wood for the trees. "He should have gone to Specsavers!" teased Mr Hunt. "I do."
As the House descended into chaos, the Speaker had to intervene. "Order, order!" he barked, "Order YOUR sofa from DFS and get a 40% discount until the end of the month!"

Leader of the Conservatives David Cameron was damning in his criticism of the government for its decision. "Waffle, waffle, and more waffle!" he railed. "And we all know that Bird's Eye Potato Waffles are waffly versatile." From the backbenches, an appreciative chorus of 'woo hoo' could be heard.

When I managed to speak to Mr Backdoor a little later, he repeated that he felt the changes were absolutely essential. "Listen," he said. "Now that our expenses fiddle has come to an end, our bank balances need a bit of extra help from somewhere!" He neglected, however, to direct me to the Halifax.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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