Buckingham Palace, London SW1 (Rioters) - Howls of laughter were heard in the corridors of the nation's top Royal Residence last night following the news that the recently opened Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain in London's Hyde Park has cracked up and forced an early closure by Royal Parks Agency plumbers.
The move follows two disastrous weeks when the fountain ran dry and the pump became clogged up with thongs, sun tan oil, dog hairs and contraceptive items - forcing the immediate shutdown of the water feature as well as the adjacent Circle Line underground railway which flooded large areas of central London.
Next the late Princess's divorce lawyer was found drowned in the upper reaches of the supply pool, an uncashed cheque drawn on the Riggs Bank for $5 million still clutched in his hand and the emblem of the Three White Feathers - the official logo of the Prince of Wales - branded on his forehead.
But it wasn't until Camilla Parker Bowles came for a leisurely dip in the brilliant July sunshine yesterday that the Agency had to evacuate the area and test the water for traces of E.Coli bacterium and mustard gas.
An immediate one mile exclusion zone was hurriedly imposed by the Ministry of Defence officials as confirmation from the National Poisons Unit showed undeniable contamination with the kind of biological weapons materiel originally suspected as being the sole preserve of Saddam Hussain.
Commenting on the incident, a spokesman for No 10 Drowning Street said: "We always knew he had it in him and suspected he might have passed it on to any number of secret wives he married covertly during the 1970s in his run up to the corridors of power.
"Substances as contagious and toxic as these emissions are banned by international treaties negotiated by the United Nations Security Council during the Cold War era.
"It is hoped that no seepage has occured into the Greater London water supply as the outcome could be catastrophic. We are, however, taking no chances and the facility will be closed until further notice."
More details to follow shortly.