Written by Mark Mywords
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Topics: Police

Friday, 11 September 2009

image for North-West Constabulary To Consider Renting Out Police Cell
"Look, darling. They've even got taxi's outside to get me to the train station for the 8.14."

In what is becoming a situation of increasing concern for a constabulary in the north-west, consideration is now being given to renting out a police cell at one police station, according to Chief Constable Luciano Paparrazo.

"It is a sad fact, but I have to inform the public (particularly those that buy The Sun), that Kerry Katona has now not been arrested for OVER A WEEK! True, she was spotted in a chip shop in the town several days ago, emptying the contents of one of the condiment holders onto her haddock and chips. However, although it was a powdery white substance, a Marquis Reagent test carried out at the scene confirmed that it was not, in fact, a Class A drug. The best we could do was caution her for 'a salt and batter-y fish', which we later discovered -after looking in the handbook- was not actually an offence at all."

Chief Constable Paparazzo also confirmed that the decrease in spontaneous insanity by the usually predictably idiotic Ms Katona has led to the dismantling of the special grandstand outside the police station for all manner of rabid paparazzi. It has also led to a decline in the popular sport of 'Paddy Wagon Running', that peculiar yet popular sport, whereby fat photographers with a death wish run blithely alongside a security van containing detainees to and from their way to court, prison, or the police station, holding the camera up to the blacked out windows and flashing like photography was about to be banned.

The Sun have, however, decided to run a competition asking its readers to name one occasion in living memory when a photograph has ever been successfully obtained during a 'Paddy Wagon Run'. The answers are apparently going to be (A) Greta Garbo, (B) postage stamps, or (C) NONE (telephone calls cost £5 plus your usual network charge).

Anyone interested in renting out Ms Katona's cell should contact the police station direct. It is, according to the landlord, a compact 8 by 8 cell in onion-skin yellow, en-suite toilet bowl, and within easy commuting distance of Manchester, another toilet bowl.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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