Randy lads and lasses around the country yesterday BLASTED the findings of a survey which suggested that Upminster in Essex was the 'sexiest town in Britain'.
The 'UK Sex Map', produced by online retailer Anne Cummers, indicated that adults in the Essex horny hot spot spent on average £70.93 on their sex lives - 11 TIMES the national average, although nobody was quite sure what the 93p was spent on. Sex expert Sharon Cox said "There's only so much Eastenders you can watch."
But the survey led to angry responses from shocked shaggers around the country, suggesting that the figures did not reflect the true position (whichever one that might be). "£70.93 a year!" said a disgruntled Ivor Wood, 23 times a night (unconfirmed) from Chorlton-cum-Hardy, Greater Manchester. "Look at this," he said, as he pulled out and unfolded something long from inside his jeans, and took me over it. "It's me last week's Tesco shoppin' receipt," he confirmed. "£157.19 it cost me. And I can say that at least £50 were spent on sex products."
Ivor then took me through the list, which included a jar of Branston Pickle, which he assured me his wife enjoyed applying and slowly removing from a particular area of his anatomy, two cucumbers, a family size pack of Chocolate Fingers and numerous other 'accessories' he said spiced up their lovemaking. "My wife may not be the greatest shag," said Ivor, "but at least I'm not f**king hungry as well."
It was hard to fault Ivor's logic that £70.93 a year (a perhaps less than staggering £1.35 per week) equated to about one and a half condoms a week. "What a bunch of f**king southern softies!" quipped Ivor. "If you're after 'slap and tickle', then slap on the Branston Pickle."
"The only thing those East End skanks know about is seafood," he concluded. "When it comes to crabs, they've got 'em."