Barely a few days after taking over as editor of one of the most popular newspapers in the country, Dominic Mohair, 40 a day, has been rushed into hospital after suffering what is believed to have been a sudden heart attack.
The alarm was raised by a colleague who found Mr Mohair, the recently appointed editor of popular red-top 'The Stun', slumped over his desk, crushing three Jaffa Cakes. Fortunately, page 3 'stunna' Leila Fullbra, 18 and barely legal, was able to provide Mr Mohair with immediate but lingering mouth to mouth resuscitation, albeit it is not known at this moment whether tongues were involved. The quick thinking 38C Ms Fullbra left Mr Mohair apparently breathing more easily, but wearing a considerable quantity of red, glossy lipstick from the new Rimmel "Release The Slut In You ('because you're worthless')" range. Full pictures, together with a story headlined "New Stun Editor In Shock Tranny Revelation", are due to appear in the first editions of tomorrow's 'super saw-a-way to make a headline' Stun.
It was only after Mr Mohair had been taken to the Accident and Emergency Department of the 'Rupert Murdoch Memorial Hospital', Wapping, that the apparent cause of Mr Mohair's suspected cardiac arrest was found. Under a smearing of warm chocolate and a smashing 'orangey' bit in the middle, colleagues found an item for approval on Mohair's desk, submitted by 'Celebrity' correspondent and editor of the 'Bizarro' column, Gordon Smart-Arse.
"When I first picked it up and looked at it," said Sports editor and collector of old jam jars Mike 'Slam' Dunk, I could hardly believe my eyes. I almost had a f**king ticker wobble myself! Smart-Arse's article, about former singer and celebrity gift horse Amy Whorehouse, revealing intimate details concerning the time last week when she mixed up coloured's and whites in her wash, was written almost without a single spelling mistake, grammatically acceptable and using several words that contained TWO syllables. No wonder 'The Mower' had a f**king seizure!"
Mr Mohair condition was last night described as 'comfortable', hooked up to a drip supplying 250ml of Jack Daniels per hour, and with 24 hour care by a couple of topless Indonesian trainee nurses.