Sir Alex Ferguson proudly unveiled the biggest transfer sensation in footballing history, when he announced the signing of Klingon, Pach Kaypach.
At a huge gathering of the world's press, crammed into Old Trafford's media centre, Sir Alex waxed lyrical about the club's new acquisition.....well at least until Melanie Harford, the club typist raced in and yelled "Sir!! The Klingon's just eaten the delivery van!!"
Sir Alex was furious! "If I've told 'em once, I've told 'em a thousand times, DONT let it out unless it's for training or on matchday!!!! DO THEY LISTEN?!!! I'm getting fookin' chest pains again I MAY AS WELL GO BACK TO HORSE RACING!!!"
"Where are you going to play it?" Oliver Holt, Mirror Sport. "Well for starters I daren't allow it near United players.....it's had it's Distemper shots but you can never be too careful. Look at Roy Keane we gave him the full set and he's as rabid today as the day..."
"What about away trips?" asked Martin Tyler. Sir Alex mused for a second : "It's not a bad idea, perhaps we can put it on a train to London. What with strikes, thugs, delays, crashes and the like it could be tied up for years. Mind you I'd hate to be the one who tries to get the Manchester United shirt off it."
"Do you think it's become a United fan". Reuters correspondent. "It's funny that, it seemed to hate us right up until the moment we gave it a full frontal lobotomy...I told the chairman we should make it compulsory for the fans. He told me that even though he couldn't force fans to have lobotomies so many of them......."
Joe Cousins of 'World Aliens' was quiet excited : "Have the Americans not asked you to hand it over for study?" This peeved the Scot : "Aye but they have got no chance. I told them they could have a loan of Silvestre and they had the cheek to tell me that, yes granted he's fookin' hideous but that does not make him an alien. I told them to have a word or two with Mrs Silvestre before spouting bollox."