Written by Mark Mywords
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Monday, 7 September 2009

image for DJ Moyles Bids To Be Saviour Of Jordan's Career
"Shit! I'm gonna need a saw and a f**king JCB to remove THESE jugs!"

DJ Chris Moyles, the self-professed 'saviour' of Radio and former part-time ballast for the QE2, has today selflessly offered to become the saviour of glamour girl Jordan's career, which now lies in tatters after her replica milkbags were chewed off and mauled by a sex-crazed Boxer dog called Hermann, belonging to a Rumanian gipsy peg-selling hag, over the weekend.

Moyles, 35 stone, said that although he might resemble a more unsightly version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from the 1984 blockbuster 'Ghostbusters', he was currently on a 'health kick', and had been considering reductive surgery for some time. "I accept that my ego does need drastically cutting down to an appropriate size for my actual level of talent," said a reflective Moyles, "The problem is that I have managed to fool so many people for such a f**king long time that I do now believe my own publicity."

Moyles added "To be honest, I am f**king desperate to get rid of my man boobs, although until today I have resisted having my flabby dinglebobbers surgically removed because it is the only tit-action I can guarantee. However, when I heard about Jordan's unfortunate accident, I just felt compelled do whatever I could to try to keep her on the front page of the newspapers, donate my chumbawumbas to a good cause, and possibly even wangle a free shag out of it."

With several precautionary buckets having been distributed to those present, Moyles then lifted his shirt to allow a photographer with a strong stomach to take some snaps of his whopping Mulligans.. The pics were then developed at Truprint, collected into a portfolio and immediately whisked around to Jordan's hospital bedside.

According to a pal, Jordan was understood to have been less than impressed. Apparently, she said "F**king hell! Look at those mudgers! Not even I can walk around with a pair of rib bumpers that f**king size! They look like a couple of overinflated, gag-inducing beach balls! I don't even think they make f**king bras that size!"

She then broke down as she recounted what her old silicon schlobes had meant to her. "Those bleeders cost me £500,000 each," she sobbed, "and now they're gone. They were my investment for the f**king future." Clearly nobody had explained to Jordan that investments could go down as well as up. Doubtless her stockbroker will receive a writ in due course.

Following Jordan's decision to decline Moyles' offer, it is believed that the Football Association will take delivery of his bouncy funbags for the pre-match kickabout before the England v Croatia World Cup qualifier at Wembley on Wednesday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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