Written by Mark Mywords
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Topics: Pornography, church

Monday, 7 September 2009

image for "Church of England Connected To Hardcore Porn" Allegation
"Any chance that one of you, or Miss Whiplash, could get me up?"

A hard-hitting documentary to be shown on national television tonight promises to 'lift the lid' on the alleged connection between Archbishop Dr Rowan Boat, and the seedy world of the hardcore pornography industry.

In the third part of his series "Hardcore Prophets" -investigating the way porn is becoming increasingly pervasive in many areas of society- investigative journalist Tim Thinstory rips aside the ecclesiastical vestments to reveal what he claims is something very sordid lurking underneath.

"Oh yes," said Thinstory self-righteously, "Dr Boat may come across like some kind of 'butter wouldn't melt in his mouth' goody-two-shoes, holy intellectual beardface, but the truth is that he, and by extension the entire Anglican Church, every single pensioner that supports it, AND the organist's cat, are up to their neck in a scummy pool of sexual depravity.

Thinstory said that his research began at the Archbishop's optician, 'Specs and Co'. "It was this connection between the word 'Specs' and 'sex' -don't they sound similar?- that first got me thinking that all may not have been exactly as it seemed with the filthy old lecher," said Thinstory. "I found out that his optician, Horatio Lenswipe, had once dated a woman who had a friend who had a son, who had a friend who had a dad, one of whose friends was married to a woman whose best friend had once gone on holiday to New York, and who -whilst she was there- met a former do-nut salesman whose wife had a friend whose husband once stayed at a hotel, which (as part of its room entertainment package) had once showed several 'Carry On' Films. Bingo!"

"When I put the proof to the filthy pervert who claims to represent the morality of the Anglican Communion, he couldn't deny it, but STILL refuses to accept that the Church of England should return every single penny it has ever taken in its collection plate to those who were fooled by this twisted, sick charlatan."

Dr Boat was said to be on his knees with a nun in a very quiet place, and therefore unavailable to comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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