Following the controversy over the appeal and release of the 'Lockerbie Bomber' on compassionate grounds and his subsequent return to Libya; the government has announced the setting up of an expert panel to review future cases.And in an unprecedented move will allow the public to vote on their decisions.
The panel, which will be headed by Simon Cowell, will include such notables as Piers 'tear to a glass eye' Morgan, Louis 'I released Boyzone' Walsh, a singer with a famous sister, and some eye candy with attitude and an accent. All experts in the field of compassion.
The appeals,which will be in four stages, will be televised weekly to allow the public to gloat at the poor pleaders.
The initial stage is open to all inmates with a record,a taped confession, or somebody else's IPod;and is designed to humiliate the pleaders while giving the public a good laugh at their expense.
The lucky ten thousand,that get through to the second round, will then be expected to appeal to an audience. In this stage the panel will be looking for style, a moist eye,a quivering lip, a tremor in the voice, and the ability to say...'fluffy ducklings and my puppy has just died'..without laughing.
The select few, who make it through to the third round,will then be adopted by a member of the panel and taken to their homes for individual coaching. Here, disgraced Politicians,Agony Aunts,and Newspaper Editors will show them how to wring every last tear out of the public; while looking sincere.
Then in the grand finale the four pleaders will each stand before a television audience of millions to plead their case for release.
As Simon Cowell says "We're looking for a very high standard It's not good enough them saying..I'm doing this for my dear, dead, Granny We want her dug up and standing right there next to 'em, when they say it.
"That's the level of commitment we are looking for."
The winning appelant will then be released on to the public in a blaze of publicity...but will still be able to go back to their old life of crime in a couple of months without being recognised.
Hopes of an international version for British prisoners in foreign jails were dashed when every appeal started with...
'This bloke in the pub asked me to bring back his suitcase of dirty washing from Thailand..