Written by Mark Mywords
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Saturday, 5 September 2009

image for Swede Arrested Following Allegation Of Sex Roast
"What do you mean, you've heard they call me 'The Host With The Roast'?"

Police yesterday swooped on the home of professional widower and, now confirmed, contestant in this year's "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of This!", Jock Swede, following claims that he and a pal were involved in a sexual "roast" assault upon a penniless, out of work 19-year old, former Canning Town Comprehensive School Scrabble champion.

The woman, from Bethnal Green, was so distressed that she contacted the police to make a complaint within minutes of coming off the telephone to the editor of a popular Sunday newspaper, after apparently managing to strike an exclusive five-figure deal for the story.

Detective Inspector Colin Bighorne, of Scotland Yard's now highly experienced 'Sex Assault Allegations Against Celebrities By Gold-digging Opportunists Unit', confirmed that a complaint against Swede had been made.

He added "The woman concerned and her friend had spent the evening with Swede and his pal at the exclusive "WeLove69" Nightclub, apparently discussing Keats, the use of metaphor in the works of Pliny, and the novels of Katie Price, when Swede suggested that all four of them go back to his flat for a game of Scrabble, to eat profiteroles, and spend the rest of the night watching his collection of Merchant Ivory films."

"We can confirm," said DI Bighorne, "that the young lady alleges that after they had finished watching "The Remains of the Day", Swede and his pal 'roasted' her. And she is adamant that the nineteen pints of Carlsberg Special Brew left her recollection of the incident entirely unaffected."

A statement was released a few hours later by Swede's solicitor, Seymour Sludge. "Mr Swede categorically denies 'roasting' this, or any other' girl. He does accept that the girl was subjected to a good 'sautéing', although this was entirely consensual."

When asked to confirm what he meant by 'sautéing', Mr Sludge said "I am not myself overly familiar with this particular sexual practice, but I understand that it involves putting a small amount of something fat into something shallow, and turning up the heat subtantially for a very short period of time. You then ask people to swallow what's been cooked up."

DI Bighorne added that the allegation would be investigated "to the hilt".

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