Budget airline EasyJetters have announced that they are being forced into taking what they describe as the "right commercial decisions" in the light of the 25% increase in landing charges at Luton Airport over the past three years.
In what are likely to be viewed as controversial measures to both improve competitiveness and attract new business, the airline have announced that they are to drastically cut the length of the skirts of all female cabin crew by a minimum 50%, and increase the height of their heels to at least four inches. Instructions are being circulated to throw all remaining male cabin crew out of aircraft in mid-air, preferably over a large expanse of water, over the next few days.
The airline has also decided to re-brand itself, and from October 1st will trade under the name "SleazyJetters". "This is totally in line with the image we are trying to promote," said commercial director Andy Cheapskate, "and indeed only really reflects the image that our client base actually has of the service we provide. The cost of the change will be minimal; about ten large cans of red matt paint from Homebase, used sparingly, should be enough to alter the logo on the aircraft."
The changes do not end there. In order to reduce fuel consumption, suitcases will no longer be accepted onto the aircraft. Instead, passengers will have to pack their holiday clothing and other items into black bin liners. "Of course, we have to consider the environment," continued Mr Cheapskate, "but we felt this a sensible policy change in any event. Firstly, of course, bin bags are lighter. Secondly, they are easier to chuck out of the baggage hold onto the runway tarmac for passengers to collect at the point of arrival. Thirdly, they only contain stuff that belongs to chavs anyway, so who gives a s**t?"
Mr Cheapskate also announced that in future, recruitment of all cabin staff will be arranged by his new head of Human Resources, Dirk Pimpmeister, an entrepreneur who was previously employed in the leisure industry in a particular district of Amsterdam. "I have known Dirk a very long time," explained Mr Cheapskate. "He knows cheap and dirty when he employs it."
He should fit in well, then.