Written by Rodd Justice
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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Tory Leader Finds Poor People
Do as the man says

Leader of the Conservative Party, Ian Duncan-Smith, rap name D Smitty, expressed shock on his visit to Glasgow last week. "I couldn't believe that people live on council estates," said D Smitty, wiping a tear from his eye. It's all part of the re-branding of the Conservatives as a party for humans.

A vast range of new Tory values were mooted on the trip to Glasgow. "No more poorness?for you lot!" said D Smitty, eager to get popular appeal for the party, which failed to get support in the 2001 General Election, mainly because of their controversial "I Hate You" campaign.

The Tory logo is also set to undergo a change. Gone is the British torch, replaced by a picture of a happy ethnic wearing a tee-shirt with a picture of David Willets hugging a leper.

Front bench spokesman Oliver Letwin is also going through an image change. To be more popular with the public, he's going to portray himself as a 18th century musical genius, and will become a protégé of Elton John. It is hoped that Elton's "tantrums and tiaras" style will translate to the smart Letwin, who is rumoured to look like a young Mozart, frustratingly struggling to cope with the musical tastes of fickle Parisians.

Latest opinion polls don't say whether the change is working, but apparently 95' of people would love to receive a package on their birthday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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