Written by Earl Grey
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Saturday, 29 August 2009

image for French Gorilla Mates With Johnny Wilkinson
Mjukuu had kept a memento of her night with Johnny

One of the female British gorillas has made a surprise choice of partner. Recently it had been hoped that a French gorilla would mate with all three British females. However, Mjukuu was having none of it. Instead she spied the rugby ace during a special celebrity day at the zoo. As Wilkinson passed by the gorilla enclosure Mjukuu sprang into action, like Jonah Lomu going through the gap.

Wilkinson never stood a chance. He was hit on his blind side by what looked like a suspected spear tackle. As the zoo keepers and touch judges rushed to free the stricken star Mjukuu hoiked him over the wall and took him high into the enclosure.

The pair disappeared from view and it was unclear what was happening. However, the screams coming from Wilkinson suggest that Mjukuu had found touch. Wilkinson was even more disturbed when the referee called out "ruck" as Mjukuu clearly misheard.

Wilkinson was buggered by a bunch of bananas whilst singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot". He was then stroked between the posts before finally getting an early bath.

England manager Martin Johnson said "Johnny will hopefully be fit for the start of the international season. We are concerned that he may shy away from any physical contact, especially if an opponent is particularly hairy".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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