A record proportion of GCSE entries were awarded the top grades in this year's exams, writes our educashun correspondent Mark Mywords.
School's minister Vernon Joker said this year's GCSE results showed that sustained and creditable progress in the standard's of those responsible for marking the papers, both in their ability to form the letter 'A' and put a star next to it, was the product of hard work and dedication to their task. 'They are to be congratulated,' purred Mr Joker.
Mr Joker did not restrict his praise to those responsible for marking the papers alone. 'The pupils themselves should also be very proud of their achievement,' he continued. 'According to the preliminary statistics released by the ONS, more than eighteen per cent of those taking GCSE's managed to work out that they had to turn the exam papers over with still half an hour of the allotted time for the examination still remaining, leaving them just enough time to write their names on the top of the paper.'
One of the 97.6% of those achieving 42 or more GCSE's at A or above was 16 year old Christopher 'Notorious Puffy Ice Diddy Dogg' Thickler, a pupil at the sometime prestigious St Snoop Rapsters secondary school, Willesden. When the letter containing the results landed on his doormat, he could barely contain his delight when he eventually managed to work out how to open the envelope without the aid of a responsible adult. "Wick-iidddddd!" he exclaimed. "Wot the f**k is a CBBC, anyways, buttface?"
Responding to criticism from a number of educational groups that some GCSE subjects were perhaps of questionable value, General Secretary of the National Union of Teachers, Christine Blower-Job said "It's true that some traditional subjects, such as languages, are in decline, but we feel that those subjects that are replacing them, such as 'Skins Characters', 'Name the Celebrity from the Tattoo', 'Wayne Rooney Goal Celebrations' and -one where the take up from female students is particularly high- 'Oh My God! Studies' are equally valid."
Christine Blower-Job keeps exotic spiders.