Written by Earl Grey
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Topics: Exams, GCSE

Thursday, 27 August 2009

image for GCSEs Boost For Future Unemployed
Sally had 10 GCSEs but she still didn't understand the forms from the job centre

Job Centre (Hopeless Waste of Time) The latest GCSE results have yet again shown a massive increase in the number of students passing 9 subjects or more. Obviously the new subjects have helped. Getting on the bus, Eastenders, Shoplifting (also available at Advanced level), Underage Drinking and associated vodka studies have all received impressive pass rates.

The real question is: will today's students have any realistic chance in the labour market? Mr Chips, former Head of History at St Wayne's in Newham, London said "In my day exams were far harder. If you passed them you stood a chance of having a very successful career in the KGB. Those who failed still found jobs up chimneys or down mines. Today you can pass an exam just for getting on the right bus. What use is that? There are no jobs. The KGB doesn't exist anymore. If they did they wouldn't recruit over here."

With the current economic downturn the dole que is set to be the most intelligent ever. The Department for Work and Pensions has responded by hiring some of the nation's best known experts in order to conduct fornightly interviews. Sir David Attenborough, Sir Patrick Moore, Dr Jonathan Millar and Stephen Hawking will be running restart programs and interviewing new claimants.

Meanwhile the government has announced that next year a new GCSE in teenage pregnancies will run for the first time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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