The epidemic of exploding iPhones has jumped from France to the UK this week with 259,510 incidents reported in two days, but this is concidered by many as Just Desserts for those tossers who just won't shut up about their bloody iPhones!
The plague has been termed Irritable iPhone Syndrome, the symptoms of which is the sudden onset of plastic, metal and glass lodged in the face and loss of fingers from (usually) one hand. Also there is some pain.
James Carney, an Apple executive states, "Anyone who buys an iPhone must read the small print in their contract, there is a risk of it exploding when exposed to a silly voice saying how fucking cool this new app for wiping your arse is!" He added, "By not paying attention, they bring it on themselves! To them I say 'Twats!'".
Hospitals in London are being overrun by the sudden influx of victims but have little sympathy.
"We're treating 'victims' of IPS the same way as we do for those who injure themselves whilst drunk or who stick live rodents up their holes", comments Dr Vaughn from a London hospital, "Anyone complaining of IPS gets thrown in a rubbish skip full of surgical waste until they get bored and go home. Basically, we can't be arsed with them."
So, the the best way to be safe? Consumer expert Clifton Bogus advises, "Don't buy an iPhone in the first place and if you do, shut the fuck up about it and stop boring others with your shit. That way, nobody gets hurt."
And advice to IPS sufferers? Dr Vaughn again, "Go home, find some strong tweezers and Superglue, you'll be fine in the morning"