When the police first broadcast their recent advert warning drug-drivers that big eyes would give them away at the wheel, innocent Barry Walsh of Walthamstow could not have predicted he would be arrested himself.
"I used to be stopped and searched because my eyes looked too close together (at least that's what it said in the PC's notebook). Now they're too big"!
"It was all a misunderstanding", he asserted. "I wasn't on drugs, I was just wearing thick lensed national health jobs.
"The worst thing was, the guys in the car next to me were leaning out the windows, shouting 'have you got silver foil, a spoon and a lighter'? But nobody stopped them because their eyes were bloodshot slits".
"This obviously has implications for anybody in our capitol who appears startled, amazed, wondrous or otherwise awestruck while driving", claimed John Sledge, spokesperson of consumer group: Off My Fucking Face. "Only people who have to live in Croydon are safe," he added, before lying down.