Police are preparing for a long couple of days this week when Green protesters have vowed to plague the London with their Climate Conference this week.
Green party leader Mr Peter Green (no really) told me, "we're going to talk about climate stuff, essentially we're against the government's proposal to attach a giant thermostat to the sky on hooks to regulate the climate on a UK scale, this sucks!"
The greens are apparently unhappy about the proposed setting for the climate of 21 degrees. "It's too damn cold and since the UK aircon unit is right above us in London, we'll freeze while those in Scotland will hardly feel it!"
Mr Green of the Greens continued, "We demand individual climate controls in people's houses to regulate their own climate; comfortable to them!".
The minister for Climate Control commented at a news conference this morning, "these Greens should just shut up and stop fucking moaning, it's not about them, it's about the good of the country". She went on to add that "If the Greens want a fight, we'll give them one!"
"I don't know what the fuck they want" says Chief Inspector Mullett, in charge of a special police task force to deal with the Greens, "do they like the colour green or don't they? This is the sort of confusion we're trying to avoid" and added, "it could turn very nasty"
New police guidelines have been hastily made in response to 'kettling' criticisms during the G20 summit earlier this year.
Mullett continued, "We're trying a new method of kettling this time, we round up all the greens as normal but then throw them in a big pan and boil them. Greens are good for you, you've got to eat greens!"
Mullet concluded, "This new plan will benefit everyone, they'll no longer be clogging up the streets, protesting their pointless shit and they'll be feeding the homeless and drug addicted. Their hair can be used to make wigs for dogs and their marrow made into glue! Believe me, this plan fucking rocks, I can't see anyone having a problem!"