Researchers have revealed that oak trees live for four times as long in the county of Kent, than they do in Scotland.
The average lifespan of a Kentish Oak - barring hurricanes - is 1,000 years, whereas in Scotland the figures reveal an average lifespan of 250 years.
Global warming, Gordon Brown, Al Gore and Trinny and Susannah were dismissed as likely causes by oak tree expert Theresa Green.
"It's got more to do with the environmental conditions," Theresa explained. "Scottish oak trees survive on a diet of pies and deep fried Mars bars, with the odd pint of heavy thrown in.
"The Kentish oak thrives on white wine spritzers, tofu, rocket, and lesbianism.
"Also, Scottish oaks are frequently subjected to having their limbs sawn off by Buckfast swilling tramps. Which, quite frankly, doesn't help a great deal."
We interviewed a Buckfast swilling tramp, asking him why on earth he would want to saw the limbs off an imperious oak tree just so he could start a bonfire - otherwise known as a tramp's barbecue.
His response was not only unprintable, but also indecipherable.
It was clear though, that he threw an empty bottle at us as we hastily retreated.
More as we get it.