Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 23 August 2009

image for Simon Inadvertently Lets The Cat Out Of The Bag
It's A 'No' From Me!

Legendary celebrity grouch Simon Cowell today made a statement which caused goosebumps on my arms, after I recognised a slip of the tongue as being of hugely significant importance.

When confronted by a wannabe dressed up as a blue gorilla, Cowell had had enough.

Storming off the set he scowlingly said: "I can't deal with blue monkeys myslef."

My head spun.

"Myslef?" I asked myself.

Added to that, the fact that Simon often talks in Strong block text and we figured out that Simon is the man behind the Monkey Woods Spoof persona.

Putting two and two together and arriving at a sum total of seventy six, I concluded that Cowell and Woods were one and the same person.

Professor Lloyd Heftybloke came out of nowhere and told me:

"Let's look at the evidence.

"Both of these guys are perfectionists. Neither one suffers fools gladly. Both are highly opinionated and provoke wide debate. Neither is prepared to tolerate gross incompetence. Monkey Woods moved to Pattaya Beach in Thailand, and hasn't been heard from for a few days aside from the odd forum posting on his favourite satirical website TheSpoof.com, and then Simon Cowell turns up with a suntan.

"In my opinion Cowell thought the auditioner who appeared dressed in a blue monkey suit was an attempt to make him blow his cover as Spoofer Monkey Woods. Which prompted him to storm off the set.

"Because they're both grouches!"

Thoroughly convinced by the theory, we had two reporters make calls at the same time.

On the one line, Cowell was unavailable.

On the other line I was told that:

"Mr Woods can't come to the phone right now. He been busy all morning experimenting on ants. He go off right now to market. On bus. Go for fresh veg. Then go football match. Not in right now. Sorry. He say he can't speak on phone himslef."

I vow to continue this investigation into whether or not Simon Cowell is really Monkey Woods until I arrive at a conclusive conclusion. Or I get bored. Whichever occurs first.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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