Written by Frankie The J
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Tuesday, 18 August 2009

image for Apostrophe Apostasy: Retired Gordon Highlander declared "Vandal" in Royal Tunbridge Wells
All Souls College, Oxford. They teach real good eNgrish hear!

ROYAL TUNBRIDGE WELLS (TS.com) - Stefan Gatward, a 62-year old resident of St. John's Close in Tunbridge Wells served with distiction as a solider in the Gordon Highlanders Regiment in the 1960's. He yet fights the good fight, so to speak, as he wages war against apostrophe apostacy on the street signs where he lives.

Developers committed a grammatical sin of ommission, according to Gatward; they omited the apostrophe needed in the possesive sense, in the St. John's Close street signs. Instead, the signs read St. Johns Close.

"Rules are bloody well rules," said Gatward; "Be they military rules or rules regarding proper English, the Queen's English, don't you see?"

Gatward has waged a one-man war against poor English useage for some time now, according to neighbors, most of who support his efforts to correct the signs by painting apostrophies, in matching black ink, where needed along his street.

One neighbor, also a veteran, a former corporal in fact, believes Gatward to be a flake, and called him "a vandal and a graffiti artist," the former Guard told TheSpoof.com's Grammar and Spell Checker, Skoob1999.

But, Gatward is also concerned about lapses in correct useage of the English language that appears on advertisements inside his local supermarket's check out line that read "Five items or less," instead of the correct wording, "Five items or fewer."

Did Skoob fail to mention that Gatward also painted the word "Royal" on the city limit signs making them correctly read "Royal Turnbridge Wells?"

"That silly wanker slops paint on everything that can't move on its own-or is too slow to evade his paint-a-mania," said an unidentified Royal Turnbridge Wells city councilman.

Gatward's neighbor, the former corporal who found fault with his linguistic licensuousness, told Skoob1999, "The bloody, flippin arse wipe told me to bugger off, that he outranked me, a 'mere' corporal. A pox upon his skinny ass, and may his wife get crabs from the rubbish collector she's been boinkin while he's been out correctin street signs. And give em to him, the prissy school ma'arm!"

While Skoob1999 accompanied Mr Gatward on his crusade to rid Royal Turnbridge Wells, the two stopped into a clothing store where a sale was being touted on hand printed signs.

One sign, in particular, caused the retired Gordon Highlander to pull a bayonet from within his knickers, and to proceed to slice and dice it into tiny pieces.

"What was THAT all about? asked Skoob1999.

"Can't you read? You're supposed to be a journalist! The sign read "While they last," said Gatward, his face a deep shade of fuscia.

"And that ophended you because…?"

Skoob1999 remains hospitalized in the Royal Turnbridge Wells Surgical Clinic following surgery to remove a 4,227 page dictonary from his anus.

We wish him well while he lasts!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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