Particles so small as to be invisible to the naked eye have placed Prince Philip very firmly at the head of the suspect list in last week's £40 million Bond Street robbery.
When leading underworld figures were unable to finger the firm involved in the robbery, Scotland Yard was forced to bring in the CSI London team.
Scotland Yard have made the following statement:
"We found DNA on the brim of a take-away coffee cup and on a diamond brooch that was in the repair shop. Upon running the DNA through the National Computer we can say with billion-to-one certainty that it belongs to the Duke of Edinburgh".
Chief Superintendent Mellifluous of the Serious Royal Crime Squad takes up the tale:
"We questioned the Duke and he was unable to account for his movements at the time in question. I put it to him that his DNA put him at the scene. He resisted the allegation saying that he had delivered the brooch, part of the Crown Jewels, for repair a few days before the robbery".
Chief Superintendent Mellifluous goes on "I then questioned the Duke on the coffee cup and he put his hands up to the offence. He had called in at Starbucks for a medium skinny latte and had absent-mindedly taken the cup into the store".
The Duke is quoted as saying "One took the brooch in and cased the joint. The coffee cup was a mistake and one is furious with oneself - but it's a fair cop".
The Duke has aked for 123 other offences to be taken into account.