Pope Benedict XVI today declined to get involved in allegations that a pregnant Carmelite nun was robbed and sexually assaulted whilst delivering succour, salvation, and direct debit forms to lapsed catholics in Salford, Greater Manchester.
Emerging reports suggest that the nun, Sister Mary Contrary was dragged down a back street off Regent Road in Salford, robbed and groped by a group of scally hoodies.
Following an agonising period of silence from the Vatican, presumably while they carried out their own investigations, a spokescardinal finally emerged into St Peter's Square, telling assembled reporters:
"From received information, carefully collated by the Camorra Del Vaticano, we can say that it is doubtful that Sister Mary Contrary has ever had any connection with the Roman Catholic Church. Information received from local sources suggests that Mary Contrary was in fact a drug addict, who got her nun's outfit from a fancy dress supply shop on Bury New Road. Near Strangeways."
TheSpoof.com reporters based in Manchester informed us that the plucky nun was actually a local woman named Tracy, who allegedly 'puts it about a bit' and operates various scams in the Greater Manchester area.
This makes perfect sense to us.
After all: Who ever heard of pregnant nuns or kiddie-fiddling priests?
That would be absurd.
More as we get it.